A little satire...

I wrote an article for my school paper last April Fool's day and thought I would share it, although some of the jokes may not be as funny to you as they are to me.  Names have been changed to protect the mock-ees (who are all friends of mine...)

Humble Suggestions for my Colleagues from the New Kid on the Block

By Kate Nichols

As a brand new teacher at this school I know that nothing will do more to boost my popularity amongst the establishment than unsolicited advice based on  my 134 days of experience here (136 if you count parent-teacher conferences and the Christmas Party setup!).  So instead of paying attention during “professional development” and “mass,” I have been compiling a helpful list of suggestions for you all. 

Mr. Doorman – Add some math to your prayers!  Kids love it when you take something simple and meaningful and “spice it up” with a whole lot of calculations.  I’ve come up with one to get you started:  “Dear Lord, if Mary and Joseph left Nazareth and walked 281,610 cubits to Bethlehem for Jesus’ birth and it took them 4 days, 9 hours, and 36 minutes, what was their average land-speed velocity during the journey? Amen.”  Make sure you don’t give students credit for praying unless they show all work and include units in their answers. 

Mr. Coughlin– I hear that, like me, you relish making students learn archaic academic vocabulary words gleaned from dusty tomes that they will never see again after they leave our classrooms.  Kudos, good sir.  I have, however, discovered a new and completely legitimate way to make reading and writing even more torturous… randomly insert Greek letters into your lessons like we do in Physics, and insist that students punctuate sentences with hand-gestures. I think everyone will agree that these little tips will add a fun additional challenge to your weekly spelling test. 

Ms. Boni – What’s the point of studying wars if you don’t let your students blow something up?  You’re always telling them to immerse themselves in history – so why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and buy a pile of black powder and some cannonballs from the internet?  Or, if you’re nervous about “inappropriate use of the school computers,” there may be a black market source for cheap fireworks on campus.  I won’t tell you her name, but it starts with an N and rhymes with Pickles. 

Mr. Jensen – You picked the best subject on earth to teach and I know you feel as lucky as I do to be in the Physics classroom every day.  Thank goodness we’re not forced to pretend to care about something useless like Economics or Morality, know what I mean?  I hesitate to offer advice to someone who obviously has such impeccable judgment, but I will say there is a little magic in wearing a pair of hot pink pants to class every now and again.  I’m willing to take you shopping if needed. 

I have lots more advice for the rest of you, but Ms. Kellogg has threatened to cut me off if I exceed a suspiciously arbitrary 581 word limit.  Whatever happened to free speech?  It’s almost as if she doesn’t want everyone to know about the helpful makeup tips I have been giving her all year.  But I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, so I’ll just print out my suggestions for each of you and put them in your mailboxes to read at leisure.  I have also given carbon copies to Principal Murphy – that way he’ll know what improvements to look for next time he does a performance evaluation.  I really don’t expect to be compensated for all this work, but just in case anyone was curious, I think gift cards and cash really are the most thoughtful way to say “thank you”.